Favoured Puns for Cunning Linguists

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

Rules:

1. These must be funny, provocative or amusing - either way, please make them well thought out!

Dorothy Parker's: "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think" is a very good directing example.

2. These can be of your own device and making, or they can be pilfered, wholesale, from wags and wordsmiths from days of yore.

Right then, you puns-of-bitches! Get to it!

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

(sang to a Dean Martin tune)

When you swim in the sea
And an eel bites your knee,
That's a moray....

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

Did you hear that HBO are going to cover this year's Origami finals?

Apparently they're toying with the idea of making it Pay-per-view.....

I'll get me coat...

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

"I do my best at every available importunity"

[double point score for punning through a malapropism!! :)]

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

Might it be said of The Witches of Eastwick that they had hex appeal?

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's Amore.

But, When you're hit by a jug, in a South Auckland pub, THAT'S a Māori.

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

I never metaphor I didn't like...

;)

And that old Noël Coward classic:

A: "My wife's going to the West Indies on holiday..."

B: "Jamaica?"

A: "No, she's going of her own accord..."

Full Tilt Boogie · Joined: 08 Apr 2009 Posts: 125

1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
To be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was
A weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
His work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are Looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change Yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have The balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium At large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned Veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

antibarbie · Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 2:18 pm Post subject:

Newspaper story about a new police money sniffing dog

"A 'Copper' Spaniel"

(It was a cocker)

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